So it’s been a while since my last post. I’ve been meaning to write one for a long time, but I just never got around to it. God has been teaching me so much this year. It’s funny because I thought last year was my year of learning, but he’s taught me so much more in just a couple months than I ever thought He would. It’s way too much to fit into one post, so I’m just going to try to summarize it on here.

Basically through a series of quiet times, conversations, song lyrics, and talking with God a whole lot, He has been showing me how much weight I put to my friendships and relationships. In fact relationships are an idol for me. I look to my friendships to satisfy me in ways that I know only God can.  I find my identity in my friendships. They are a source of insecurity or pain when I feel like they aren’t meeting my unrealistic expectations and also a source of pride for me when I feel like I’ve achieved that short lived approval of friends. Either way it’s wrong, and either way it’s exhausting.

Let me tell you, it has been one of the most painful experiences I’ve had as God as been revealing this sin to me, and stripping this idol of me. But it has also been one of the coolest times in my life and relationship with God. Because even as he has been making me aware of my sin, He has been so incredibly sweet to me. He makes me aware of the darkness of my heart, but He doesn’t just leave me there. He does it because he knows that I will never be satisfied by the things I continually turn to. The void I have to be satisfied can only be filled up by Him. He wants to satisfy me. You see He doesn’t just make me aware of my sin to let me wallow in it. He offers me himself.

Even in the times when I feel worn out and so defeated by my sin and feel like I can never get past it, he whispers in my ear, “Yeah you’re right. You can’t beat this on your own. But I can, and I will beat it. In fact, I already defeated this struggle for you on the cross.” And then he gives me joy! Inexpressible joy that I know can only come from being in the presence of my Father.

Every time I come back to Jesus with this sin and lay it at His feet and admit that I cannot beat it on my own, He fills me back up with Him and his joy. And I’m reminded that He is enough. He is satisfying. He offers grace. Limitless grace that never runs out on my infinite mistakes. And his love is all I need. My identity is found in Him and the fact that I am his child and he loves me dearly. And if I’m ever having trouble believing that, I can simply turn to the cross where He loved me so much that He gave his own life for me.

“Great is your faithfulness oh God. You wrestle with the sinner’s heart”-Chris Tomlin