I used to think that God would be upset with me if I didn’t read the bible every day. So I used to do my quiet time often half-heartedly as if God didn’t know the motives of my heart.

In high school I used to compare myself with other girls and see that I wasn’t doing the same “bad” things they did and so that somehow made me a better person because of it and that God must have been more pleased with me. I thought that he would bless me more because of it. So then when I wasn’t feeling very blessed, I would get mad at God because I thought he owed me something for obeying Him. I ignored the fact that there were some inner sins and struggles that I dealt with that I made sure to hide from everyone.

Even though I knew that the way to Heaven was through a savior, Jesus Christ, and not through works, this mindset of thinking I was better than others shaped the way I looked at life. I judged my life based on my works and what other people saw on the outside instead of finding my identity in Jesus.

 I began to seek approval from everyone-from my friends, parents, coaches, and God. But this want and need of approval turned into a never ending cycle of just wanting people to think I was cool or show that they cared about me. As soon as I would get any hint of approval, I would get a small high from it but then it quickly went away and then I would just want more approval. 

It took God giving me the approval in something that I had wanted for several years to realize that it wasn’t what I wanted at all. In fact, it just made me more unsatisfied. Sometimes it takes God giving us our idol for us to realize that it won’t give us the satisfaction that we think it will.

Approval is something that I struggle with on a daily basis and I don’t think that I will ever not struggle with it, but God is teaching me through it. He is teaching me that nothing I do can change his mind or his love toward me. I can’t make him love me anymore or any less by what I do. He doesn’t love me because of my works. He loves me because I am his child. 

It’s a hard concept for me to grasp that God doesn’t love me more for serving him or following his commandments, especially when I feel like I’m suffering for following him. But I’m learning this is a good thing because although I sometimes do things that I think deserve praise, more often than not I fall short of what God intended for me. I screw up more often than I don’t. If God loved me based on my works, I don’t think He would love me very much.

Today I am thankful for God’s unconditional love through the work of Jesus dying on the cross. Jesus did the work so that I don’t have to. So why should I work any more than I need?